Taperitis

Taperitis is an under-researched condition affecting mostly ultra athletes. It is a very serious condition affecting the sufferer's family as much as the athlete. Symptoms are wide ranging and can vary from the mildly annoying to a more serious life threatening stage.

Typically symptoms begin to appear around 2 weeks before a major race. Slight niggles appear usually in the legs. (Note - sufferers of taperitis are usually obsessed with the condition of their legs). Hamstrings tighten up, knees begin to ache and 'weird' feelings in a foot are very common. Suggestions of massage or making an appointment with a GP are usually met with a snort of derision. In the absence of a professional opinion, sufferers tend to Google their symptoms leading to self induced panic that a small mark on the leg is a tick bite and that they actually have Lymes disease. Other notable conditions include suspicion of brain hemorrhage, ulcer, cartilage damage, weight gain and even pregnancy.

Athletes are unable to run at their usual frequency leading to reduced levels of adrenalin. This in turn affects their mood. This can range from an out of sorts feeling to being an out and out grumpy bastard. The usual encouragement of "Get your shoes on, go out a run and give me peace" do not work in this phase. Family members need to find alternative coping strategies for themselves such as knitting while drinking white wine.

In the 2 weeks prior to a major event, sufferers of taperitis will take a closer than normal look at their eating and drinking habits and attempt to undo 50 weeks of unhealthy activity. Alcohol is prohibited and strange beetroot drinks become fashionable. Salad items such as tomatoes will suddenly appear on the breakfast menu alongside sausages in an attempt to convince themselves that they are eating healthily. Other items disappear from the fridge such as chicken breasts cooked for the next evening meal. Pasta becomes the carbohydrate of choice (mildly annoying symptom)

Lastly, sufferers of taperitis have more time on their hands. They have more time to spend at home with their families. In this phase they become more observant and notice little things they might not have noticed before. They will offer suggestions to improve the running of the household and comment on the state of the garden. Unfortunately they are not able to physically participate in any household chores as they could be prone to injury. Removal of a toilet brush from an athlete's throat would be a very serious injury (clearly a life threatening symptom)

Fortunately, taperitis rarely lasts longer than 2 weeks and is instantly cured on the weekend nearest the longest day of the year. TFFT!!